RE-EDITED
Take whatever I'm about to say with a pinch of salt. Half the time, I let impulsiveness rule my head. This is no exception.
I was again, doing my pseudo mugging since my dad didn't allow me to watch Anger Management. So you see, when I'm not concentrating hard on something, I tend to think of alot of things and it's becoming unhealthy. It's like a worse form of stoning and it's happening more often than not.
Anyway, I was just thinking about the things I regretted doing/not doing, saying/not saying etc. It's just painful to look back at my "sorrowful" past; photographs, letters, smses and of course, my memory that only works at its optimum when it comes to reliving the past in my head. Or simply known as reminiscing. Many events have occured along the way and surely, the sun doesn't always shine. But that's not the point cos that's part of life isn't it?
I've asked myself many times before, what do I really want. Because there's a fine line between something I desire, and something that would benefit me(which isn't neccessarily what I want). Problem is, the two things tend to come together to form a homogeneous crap. Or maybe it's just me. I dunno. That's the reason why good things never ever last for me.
Repeated events. I've seen and experienced them. I think I might be able to be the director of my own life and win an Oscar award. Which I technically am right? Lemme rephrase. I mean I can predict and role play the forthcoming events and then win the award. It's like riding a bicycle up a steep slope; the journey to the peak of the slope is tideous. Then when you reach the top, you attain a sense of satisfaction for overcoming whatever obstacles you might have met along the way. Can't stay up there forever right? Then that's the end of your euphoria. So you go down, speeding like a bullet train. You fall off yr bicycle, scrap yr knees and bruise yr elbows. But you never learn your lesson. So you repeat the same thing and everything goes back to square one. Fuck that shit. I can link so many events to that poor analogy of mine.(pardon me for that bit. I'm not good at expressing myself) There's the whole sec 2 issue of "oh yay!! I got into trip science. All that hardwork finally paid off.." and then came the O levels and how badly I screwed that thing up cos of one subject. History's repeating itself again for the A levels. I know it. It seems like I'm becoming more and more like an imbecile retard as I (mature?). Using "grow" seems so.. teenage.
Of course there are other events. All I can say is that I highly doubt the essence of true friendship still prevails. They know and I know so that's good enough. Besides, I'm quite sick of getting teary already. All those chickflicks, tsk!
Don't assume that I'm feeling darn jaded now whatsoever although it might seem like the case. Okay. Maybe I am. I always sound jaded on my posts. But I'm not really all that mental. I just need an outlet to vent and rant. Just for you ppl to take note that my oriention in life is slightly off. It's as good as a faulty compass. And I'm the girl stuck in the jungle and can't seem to find her way out.
I sense contradictory thoughts coming my way yet again. And especially when I get mother emotional for unknown reasons, it seems like there's a hurricane going on in my head. Something as serious as the one happening now in Bahamas but you have to reduce Bahamas to the size of my brain and so everything will be in proportion.
Gah.. I just wish I could wind back the little clock that's controlling our lives and take back whatever I've lost along the way. Not gonna rectify mistakes cos that'll only make life more mundane than it already is. I'm so blah

*Maybe redemption has stories to tell
Maybe forgiveness is right where you fell
Where can you run to escape from yourself?
Where you gonna go?