I have a majorly dysfunctional family. Hate it. Hate to put on a facade and agree with each one of them. Guilt has surfaced within me and i don't feel good. I believe strongly in karma and i know for sure, retribution is so gonna get me. It's gonna be so bad that i'd wished i'd never bitched,argued,gossiped in my entire life. She's related to me. Both of them are... I've heard both sides of the story and had my fair share of bitching... am i fuckin hypocritical or what? This is so not me; bitching about the other person in front of the other. Siding whom i think treats me better. It's not helping when the other two gives special treatment towards her and not us.
I know i haven't been well liked as a child and definitely things have not changed much now. The fault has always been lying with us. Although much denial have been going on when we confront them, i know the ultimate truth. We're condemned. Not just amongst the family, but also their friends and relatives.
But who are we to be blamed? At the mere least, we aint no boot lickers. Direct and ruthless with words, we may be. But at least, we portray who we are. Not some two-faced, double standard creature... Or am i?
This year i foresee, is gonna be one helluva mental and emotional rollercoaster. Did i mention that i screwed up my SATs? I might as well withdraw from the A level education since i know that my grades are gonna be mediocre and isn't gonna get me anywhere in life.
Is it just me or does everyone encounter the same problem that i have? Not just abt the dysfucntional part, but also the thing that has been habouring in my mind since the end of time. I've caught myself smiling on more than one occasion when i think about the past. The happy past. But like I said, it was the past. No way to rewind time and even if such a device was made possible, it wouldn't be able to rectify the persisting problem.
Hearing the song playing in the background on sherlyn's blog has caused tears to well up in my eyes. The melody and tune transports me to a pseudo paradise. A paradise that i've created in my mind. Just us, in a vast land filled with colourful wild flowers. The sun shining brightly and the cool breeze blowing. Butterflies would surround us. Towards the other end of the my paradise place, there'll be this magnificent ocean with crystal clear blue water. We'll be holding hands, walking bare footed on the damp sand with waves occasionally rushing up to our ankles. He'll then whisper to me saying," I'll never allow you to shed another tear drop."
I swear only then, will I truly know the meaning of happiness and euphoria.
If i were granted one wish, i'd wish that i was never given life to begin with. Because that little psedo anecdote that i've mentioned earlier on, was never meant to be and will never. He has already said his goodbye. The problem lies with me; I still haven't fully accepted the fact that he's long gone....

*Toying with my inner self