The time has arrived. The year has come to an end, no qualms about it. Been reflecting on the past year and came to a conclusion that i've wasted it. Hehe... Wasted my life and time, doing unconstructive stuffs like spending long hours on the internet, stoning and not getting any studying done. Pathetic!
I won't go about coming up with NY resolutions cos I know for sure, I won't get down to keeping my resolutions.. so that, i can just put it aside. Of course I would attempt to change for the better, but that can't be done within a short span of one year. Even if i succeed, you guys can rest assure that I won't stay good and angelic for long. hahaha...
Guess everyone have plans later on tonight, counting down at some place, toasting to the new year, drinking themselves silly... x) Me? I'm homing. AGAIN !!!! Wtf is wrong with my parents? In their attempt of keeping me home bound, I feel the urge to rebel even more... Now now, feeling and actually getting down to action is 2 worlds apart.. so yeah.. i can say as much shit as i want, but chances of me actually rebelling for freedom is perpetually zilch.. hahaha. Don't get me wrong; I'm not some mummy's girl who obeys everything her parents say. I don't think i can find any other girl who quarrels with her parents ever so frequently. Generation gap? Perhaps...
Shout outs for now...
AFs: Lets go catch a movie after school someday soon, before we get suffocated by the enormous amount of tutorials and bombarded by the infinite amount of tests, shall we? Fi.... you are coming along too... you have new shoes which means you can walk properly which ultimately means, YOU ARE COMING!!! crystle, you havent told me your plans yet... staying for 1st 3 months???? the AF's already shrinking like a deflated silicon. Muahahha...
Dearie & Veron: Hopefully the 5 fingers would be able to make it on friday... I haven't seen pinky and the ring finger for god knows how fucking longggg. Honestly, I miss all of you too... Stc's simply the best ever. Good food, windy, nice uniform, defying all stupid rules of belts and they don't give you detention/maintenance... MOST IMPORTANTLY, no bastards... esp those from sji... heh... call and confirm on friday eh?! *smucks*
Lyn babyyy: I miss you even more coz i only get to see you ONCE A YEAR!!! whatever happened to our pre-planned gossiping and bitching session at Holland V??? x( at least there's CNY... i'm gonna start bitching the moment i see you until the last minute when my mom shouts for me to go home... Oh.. the pretty daisies you gave me died...
You know, if i were given no choice and had to choose between my gfs and my future bf, I'd definitely go with the former... I wish God had made humans in this way whereby everyone's a lesbian. hahaha... fuck those bastards!!! *winks at bf,mo and ulynn*

*I love you, and I need you badly!!!

My gfs are heading down to ChinaBlack tonight and what am i doing? hah... staying home, trying to be a good girl... I wouldn't consider it a facade or pretence though... hur hur... Just part of the whole package. Mo and bf, by the time you guys read this, the party's over... hope you two didn't make a fool outta yourselves and add more bruises on your thighs... don't aspire to be the next ME... love you two to bits!
I took the longest nap ever since the hols started, and had another weird dream encounter. Actually kinda perturbed by these dreams... Are they trying to tell me something? Or are they there because I chose to think of it?
Was just reading the stuffs i wrote in my special book... come to think of it, i was indeed being imbecile in the past... but it nevertheless brought back tears,memories and you. The book has done me much good... has been with me every since sec 3. wrote down all my feelings... i believe that if it weren't for that book for me to window myself through words, i'd have been long defeated. x)
I love to write! Its my form of venting frustrations and to store fantabulous memories. hahaha.... not talking about lame-ass gp essays... THOSE, are rubbish. Aye, i'm rambling now... that's the reason why i do badly in gp. The essays aren't that much coherent and I tend to digress into something else... This is no good.. muahahah
Anyway, school's starting really soon. Just glad to be able to see my AFs all together.. crystle?! you coming for orientation? We've gotta spend as much time together as possible before all of us get caught in the mugging syndrome... Damn the A levels..
Mo, ulynn and bf; more bastardised eye candies? x)

*In doubt

I went on a shopping spree which wasn't exactly successful... well, as compared to veron, that is.. only managed to get my levi's 599 and a top. fuck. I'm still finding more non-denim skirts( the nice looking ones are fuckin hard to find i swear), pants, tops and a bag... saw a really nice one from Guess, tried to hint to my mom but she was being a cow... I figure that this week is more or less the end of my holiday.. its time to pull up my socks and get down to serious business...
Plus, i gotta say a bigggggggg thankyou to my everdearest bf, Tricia... my blogskin was kinda screwed and still is a little, but she helped me with the whole thing... wasted her time.. so sorry dear! But i do love you alot! x) Really glad that you found the answer to your very doubts... So proud of you... Now clara, you and i can embrace tommorow with no more fears, tears and uncertainties!!!!!!
This is impt news... ppl, pls be prepared to face a shit ass green when u go back to school on friday... the principal decided to paint the foyer an awful shade of green that somewhat resembles the uniform colour of tpjc... changed the nice long tables of LT1 and LT2 into the individual kind.. no more comfy sleeping for us anymore! *pouts*, changed the floor tiles and the tiles of the Quadrangle to the track kinda material... for fuck? i have no idea either... and yup... the PAC is not done... apparently, the contract has been terminated... i guess the school wasted money on unneccessary stuffs( what i've mentioned earlier on), and thus, not enough was left for impt stuff like the PAC... so much for DONATIONS aye?
Anyhow, I received a christmas message from him... nothing more than a simple "Merry Christmas..." was written, but somehow or another, it managed to trigger the emotional nerve in me... amazing isn't it?! It's hard keeping a distance from him and giving the cold shoulder... but i realise that it's the only way outta the hell hole for me... Hurt? Of course it still exists but there's nothing more i can do... He chose the easier way out by shoving the responsibilities to me... I'm not blaming him cos I did everything for him outta my own free will... Not regretting it and never will... Afterall, much of my hapiness was contributed by him...

*Harder than ever

It's such a delight going shopping with my bf!!! Despite the achings on our legs, we managed to walk ard non stop for 7 hours plus... its definitely a great accomplishment for the both of us... the AFs would know what i mean. heh...
Anyway, i went on this crazy giodano shopping spree.... there was a major sale going on and i decided to complete the collection of my round necked t-shirt... now i have all the colours except blue which i think is awful.. hahaha.... plus this maroon 3/4 blouse... Alrighttttt... walked a bit more and got this other pants... i'm gonna get the pink skirt on friday! i'm not exactly satisfied with my buys... and bf's DEFINITELY not either... cussing abt not getting our pay on time and complaining to the Ministry of Manpower.. ahahahah... she's funny... dinner was fantabulous i tell you... we had Ba Chor Mee at Marina Square though the queue was mother fucking long... you should try it if you haven't... i swear its great!
This is weird but i hereby confirm with bf that tis' the season of ugly shoes!!!!!! We went into a zillion shoe shops and the shoes were absolutely fugly.... then we got bored so we decided to sit down and observe the shoes of passerbys; which shocked us even more.. they all had ugly shoes.. hur hur...
Oh well... it's officially christmas now so,MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ONE AND ALL, AND MAY ALL GOODWILL COME YOUR WAYBtw, bf, more shopping to come for the both of us eh? haha...

*I see you in my dreams

Ever felt like all the emotions within you has been sucked out by some unknown forces? It's happening to me again..
I used to have something to spur me on... to anticipate the arrival of tomorrow. But somehow now, the urge has mysteriously disappeared. Even the meet up with bf and clara has no effect on me... No doubt i miss all of my gfs alot, but its like the glimmer i used to have isn't sparkling anymore. x(
Got bad vibes about tomorrow... I might just spoil the entire day for everyone, tomorrow... I'm saying sorry in advance... I'm in one of my insane mood swings once again...
I really wonder if the AFs would still be as close as we are now, 10 years down the road... Everyone would probably go their seperate ways, some even getting married. Hah. All of us have embarked on more than one escapades together... x) Nostalgia's getting the better of me now. 2003 has indeed been an exciting one for all of us. We all came to cjc not knowing one another, ij girls congregating at one corner and the scgs babes taking up a small portion of the hall during orientation. Little did we know that the 9 of us would end up being the closest of friends during the 2 years of suffering we have to endure in the hell hole aka cjc. Its the holidays now and i havent met up with the majority of you guys. I'm definitely feeling guilty and hope that our relationship with each other doesn't become distant because of the seldom meet ups. I believe that its the presence of the other 8 of us, that actually makes life in cj alot more bearable. From all the running away from monster mic,bro paul and jean cos of our short skirts, ankle socks, strings/elastics in our blouses, coloured hair, to trying to trip my HTC during assembly every morning, chilling out at the grandstand whilst having our frequent heart to heart talks( clara,me,bf,ulynn,crystle)... Those are what my memories of cjc would consist of... Ulynn, remember our lizard infested bench? Bet that made you smile eh? You know what? I don't actually want to go on to j2. I'm happy being a j1 where I don't have to worry about the A levels, where I don't get pressurized by expectations of others on me and more importantly, I still get to spend another year with the AFs... I don't exactly like the idea of a new bunch of j1s coming in on the 2nd of Jan, crowding ard at the foyer, acting like know-it-alls and being rude to us. TAKING OVER OUR TERRITORY!! I'm such a hermit... I admit to being afraid of facing the future. Everything happens for a reason but i'm still searching for clues...

*I don't wanna fall in love

Caught Love Actually twice.... heh.... veron wanted to watch it so badly so i decided to be nice and watch it again... not complaining coz that show's great! Even bf enjoyed it so yeah... 2 thumbs up.... i made up a movie list!
1. LOTR( i haven't managed to watch Two Towers so i have to get that done before proceeding to watch The Return Of The King)
2. Scary Movie 3
3. Mona Lisa Smile
4. Ju-On 2

And also, i have a never ending wish list which comprises of a Canon Ixus i... *hint hint* Christmas is coming you know!!!??? Anyhow, i just busted my pathetic bank account... Bought this totally cute pink tote bag from pjBb that costs $50... remind me NEVER to splurge again please... I seriously think that the $500+/- that i'll get from my crappy job isn't gonna be enough... Have clothes, shoes, jeans and the little things that catch my eye on the way, to get!!
Honestly, i really miss my AFs alot.. if there's anything to look forward to in 2004, its to see all my gfs again.. with the exception of crystle... sigh.....
Has anyone not been doing any revision during the hols? I'm guilty of that for sure...the only thing i did was to complete 1/3 of the Math assignment... Just realised that i can't remember nuts about chemistry, let alone econs.. I'M SCREWED... i know it might sound wrong to be talking about studying when its the bloody hols but knowing me, i get all paranoid when school's about to reopen and worse still, i have to embrace the A levels with "wide open arms".. fuck it
At least there's the date with my bf to look forward to... I miss her already... Anyhow, i hope the 2 ppl close to my heart manages to resolve whatever misunderstandings there are between them... its not a nice feeling to leave cj with so many bad memories..
I'm outta here man...

*Wrong indications to you again?

Mundane. That is the only word to describe work.. infuriating man... got scolded by the aunty in charge coz i was talking to my colleague... like wtf.. there was only one customer and my other colleague was already serving her!!! thank my lucky stars that the aunty left 30 mins after i came in... so the shop was pretty slack after that.. woohoo!!! crowd only came in like 8+ so yeah.. kept us busy for an hour or so... looks like i've gotta go through this tedious and boring crap for another 5 more days.. and then i'll get my pay cheque and treat myself... x)
Looks like i'm gonna have some peace and quiet for 1 week before he gets back from Japan... not that we're talking anymore but his presence in the country makes a huge difference...
Bf was telling me something over the phone that was ultra hillarious... mo, if you're reading this, i tell you, if u stayed on working at that shit place, you'll laugh till you drop dead lah!!! you really gotta see the picture!!! ahahaha... and bf thinks its called BaBa-G... ahahhahahaah no? not funny?! next time i'll show you... x)
i guess i better turn in soon... before i oversleep and miss that show tmr!

*Where are you now? I gotta know so I can let you go...

AFs: anyone wants to go for a sun tanning date with me next week? i've only got work on tues and thurs. yes.. you heard me right.. i have work on christmas day... awesome!! Mo and bf, i promised you guys to go suntanning eons ago right? Am putting my words into actions now.. haha... can't be bothered abt the horrible scars on my legs or the disgusting thing that bf and i have in common... *winks*... afterall, its an all girls outing.. someone ask me out!!!
Sheesh.. i suddenly realise that i sound like a bloody loner... muahaha.. whatever the case is, i'm adamant about going sun tanning and trying to get tanned... which most likely, i'm gonna come back red. fuck. Mo?? Bf???? anyone??!! OH!!! monday's out.... going on a sushi date with veron... so that's mon, tues and thurs... okay gurls.. get your calander ready to jot down a date to the beach aye??

*Did I imagine your hurt?

Nothing ever stops all these thoughts
And the pain attached to them
Sometimes I wonder why this is happening
It's like nothing I can do
Will distract me when
I think of how I shot myself in the back again
'Cause from the infinite words I could say
I put all the pain you gave to me on display,
But didn't realise,
Instead of setting it free,
I took what I hated and made it a part of me.

It never goes away

Hearing your name,
The memories come back again
I remember when it started happening
I'd see you in every thought I had and then
The thoughts slowly found words attached to them
And I knew as they escaped away
I was committing myself to them,
And every day I regret saying those things
'Cause now I see
That I took what I hated and made it a part of me

It never goes away

And now,
You've become a part of me
You'll always be right here
You've become a part of me
You'll always be my fear
I can't separate myself from what I've done
I've given up a part of me
I've let myself become you

Get away from me
Gimme my space back,
You gotta just go
Everything comes down to memories of you
I've kept it in but now I'm letting you know
I've let go
Get away from me

I've let myself become you
I've let meself become lost inside these thoughts of you
Giving up a part of me
I've let myself become you

*Figure

I'M BACK TO MY COMFORT ZONE; HOME
hahah... overall, the trip totally sucked.. or rather, sucked... the car just barely made it pass the causeway, and i started having this major quarrel with my mom and its still going on.. more like a cold war now... as long as she doesn't bother me, i'm fine with it.. bitch!
But i have to say, the hotel was indeed something different... it's built on the open sea... not a kelong, if you imbecile ppl are thinking that i was living in one.. hahaha... with flies... but dearest cousin, e'ching helped to kill them.. woohoo!!! then the rest of the time was spent trying to socialise with some EXTRAS whom i sadly have to acknowledge as my cousins... found out a few hilarious but yet shocking news though... never knew their true colours until i was told... still suffering in shock.. x)
oh yeah... we headed to this bloody lousy shopping centre which is a tad bit similar to Queensway cum Corronation Plaza.. of course the latters are much better.... like duh~
the stuffs there are soooo passe and lianish and bengish.. the ppl there look as if they've never seen ppl dressed better than them and hence, kept staring at us with this awed expression...*weird*
sadly, there wasn't any sun till today... too late to do any bloody kayaking or suntanning... so yeah.. i'm pretty much still yellowish.... darn gross man... but the dinner buffet on the first day and the seafood dinner on the second day was fantabulous... yum yum... surprisingly, i didn't gain any weight... ahhhhh.... the night was spent by playing bridge and this new game i learnt called 99.. stupid small cousins then barged into our room and wanted to play uno stacko while e'ching and i were peacefully watching LOTR on HBO.. yeah balls.. they have HBO all the way at Port Dickson... the room was pretty packed and noisy after that.. spoilt my whole night...
I'm just glad to be back home... OH YEAH!!! THIS, i have to tell you guys.. the bathroom is wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy cool.... it's an open air kinda concept.. so its like we can do star gazing while bathing... hahahah... eye opener!
I'm just glad that i'm back home in my comfy room.. Nothing beats that...

*Doubt you're feeling guilty

Hey ppl... I'm going on a short trip tmr( fri) and will be back on sunday... i need to seek solace in another country where places i visit would be unfamiliar... that wouldn't bring any hurt or discomfort... coz every where i go, in singapore that is, it brings back those haunting thoughts and memories.. being a real hermit here but at least i'd be having 3 days of bliss, sunshine and hopefully, radiate a genuine smile..
to the most wonderful bunch of people i've made a pact with, i.e the A.F: I'll miss all of you... *what's new*... x)... i guess most of you would be preoccupied by work and whatsnot, so life wouldn't be so boring aye?! Crystle, hang in there no matter what... you are the strongest amongst us! Don't ever forget that fact... we want you to pull through this ordeal... god damn all the evil but don't ever succumb to it...
Clara and Trish, I can't thank you guys enough for being there for me, 24/7... You two have been my emotional support for all these while... I owe you two sweethearts BIG TIME.. clara, i haven't re-enacted the scene for you... will do so when i get back... btw, working everyday next week but can meet u before work... till then, i miss you both!!!
Steffie, Fi, Theresa, Vanessa, hahaha.... haven't forgetten u guys.. *big group hug*.. congrats fi! looking forward to seeing you in your new shoes next year.. hope its adidas... then we'll really be a complete adidas gang... thats if crystle decides to get adidas.. vanessa too!!!

oh well.. till then... take care all you people... i'll do like wise..

*Clueless about your surroundings

I'm surprised that such things could happen between two people so close to me... now its like i feel as if i hardly know her anymore... I know i'm in no position to take a stand.. i'm torn apart...
Crystle: be strong... Never knew a friendship so strong could end up in such a tragic ending... we'll always be there for you yeah?

I had this sudden urge to blog down something but then... all the emotions have been drained away.... outta my system for good... its an empty skeleton without a soul... too many things have been occuring within a short span of 1 week... my own probs, my friends' probs... i god damn need to take a breather... i keep shooting myself in the back... still wondering why... why why why
this time, i really fell too fast and way too hard.... you just had to cut open a fresh new wound, when the old one was beginning to heal. Didn't you? You seriously find sheer pleasure in seeing me down in the dumps aye? Talk about being sadistic... Well forget it.. you'll never be able to have your way with me... To prevent future misconceptions and misunderstandings, i think this is the best way out... at least for me... i'm already prepared to forgo this friendship... in any case, its better than letting u make use of me time and time again isn't it? Yesterday was the very last straw..... No more of you and your fuck shit nonsense..
btw, if u ever chance across this entry, learn to exert some sensitivity.. didn't your dearest alma mater teach you boys anything at all?

*Your presence still lingers within me

okay... i can't believe that i'm actually blogging on this screwed up computer at my club... its raining and my initial plan of going sun tanning has to be post poned....

i guess that how you've been treating me for the past few months, was actually a portrait... a very well drawn portrait. You even had the audacity to call that bloody slut, when i'm just beside you... what more can i say? Am i that worthless in your eyes, or am i just not cool enough for you? No matter how hard you try, i can NEVER be like her... so give it up!

another thing to add on... i think its really lame ass of people who don't even know who i am, to start commenting on my attitude... I suggest u go get a life before opening your mouth to speak.. its just like making an assumption on the taste of a new delicacy that one hasn't even tasted... worse still.... if you're just a fucking acquaintance, get off my back already...

*Fucktard

This is utterly depressing... both my best friends are abroad... and i have work later at 4...

Renaissance, was even better than i had expected it to be... i guess the company i had, played a major part. 3 cheers to my dearest bf, tricia, for always being there for me...
Knowing she's goddamn tired after work, she still managed to drag her ass to sji. Just for me. Tricia dearest, i appreciate all that you have done for me... from those bastardised talks, to making last minute plans to accomodate me. You're simply God sent... *cuddles*
Initial plans of heading down to Newton Hawker Centre to grab some sting rays were disrupted... bf's cousin offered to drive us there but got lost on the way whilst picking us up... oh well....
Found this lyric on jo's blog... felt that it really dipicts how i am feeling now...

"You're Still You"

Through the darkness
I can see your light
And you will always shine
And I can feel your heart in mine
Your face I've memorized
I idolize just you

I look up to
Everything you are
In my eyes you do no wrong
I've loved you for so long
And after all is said and done
You're still you
After all
You're still you

You walk past me
I can feel your pain
Time changes everything
One truth always stays the same
You're still you
After all
You're still you

I look up to
Everything you are
In my eyes you do no wrong
And I believe in you
Although you never asked me to
I will remember you
And what life put you through

And in this cruel and lonely world
I found one love
You're still you
After all
You're still you

damn nostalgic, i must say...
i miss my A.Fs alot!!! it seems as if everyone is preoccupied with something or another.... clara, trish and i have work, ulynn's having fun playing with snow, crystle, steffie, theresa and fi are kinda MIA... i doubt we'll actually have a full meet up until school reopens... but then again, we'd prob be burried under piles of notes... maybe it'll just be me... i realised i've been skipping alot of outings to town after school during the pre promos period. with A's next year, hah... prob make town outings twice a week at most... x)
I think i'm a walking jinx... its like once i enter the shop, hardly anyone comes in. even if they do, that don't buy anything... i can feel it... i have bad aura around me... though the senior staff didn't say anything abt me bringing bad luck... she'd report it to my boss.. what's wrong with my karma???????? Though i might not be the purest of the purest, or innocent, or good, i'm definitely not evil like some people we know... right?!

*So why does everything that i'm associated to, becomes cursed?

Basket case sia.. i was stoning during work... that's how boring it is... and my back started to ache like some fuck, the heels of my feet were in pain.. argh...
anyway, i've finally gotten outta that hell hole that i was stuck in for the past 8 months or so... *3 cheers for me pls*
Was reading something that used to cause angst in me.. now, i feel disgusted. No hate, no grudge.. Just sorry for the new girl that comes along...

*I dreamt about him again...

Some things are just wayyy creepy... its supposed to be a dream, dreams are nothing but a psuedo kinda fantasy. Definitely not reality.
So why did i wake up to my psuedo fantasy?
This might sound weird but i knew that i was dreaming in my dream. *Gives you time to digest that last sentence*. 5,4,3,2,1. ok.. i shall continue. I was conscious that it was nothing but a pathetic dream. But somehow, whatever happened in the dream felt real. From the running to the crying... It was as if i felt them in reality.. My legs were aching like how it would after running 2.4km. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes, blurred vision, everything... I'm not sure if this is considered as a norm; being able to "feel" in dreams. But its definitely the first time for me.... *shrudders*
Was actually utterly surprised when i woke up with puffy and blotchy eyes...
I've always wondered if dreams are meant to depict something, something that might happen in the future. Somehow, my questions have always been unanswered.
Perhaps like what Clara and Trish said, its possible that i subconsciously did something... Whatever the case is, i'm still confused and a wee bit terrified.

*Was it? Is it? Will it?

two words to describe work today, "no comments"
all thanks to my fucked up boss... called me up yelling about why i didn't report for work. like hell.... i asked the stupid lady yesterday when am i next due for work and she said the timetable wasn't out yet, so i assumed that i didn't have to go to work today... everytime also last min... eat your dick, you piece of fuck shit
there... i feel better... had some stupid meeting that was bloody useless from 10-11 so yeah. shagged..... my legs are aching... thank god i found a new buddy now that bf's on cruise and can't join me for work.. ironically, her name is zhiyun... a REALLY sweet girl... intelligent and we hate the boss.. now... that's all that i found out about her. for now that is.. heh... at least we share the same passion for the latter. that's good enough.. i'm missing bf already... bf, if you're reading this, your ugly name tag's with me!!! x) and i swear, everyone knows you... everyone's talking about trina's mei mei.. hahha
went to cut my hair again.... its back to the same style as i last cut it. i love it.. but somehow, it isn't the SAME as the previous one.. i love the previous one more.. hahah... oh well.... piece of shit. i'm working everyday of the week expt sat... i can't wait to be posted back to millenia... no customers make my job damn sian but then again, there's always the choc shop right opp. *salivates*. if i have to abstain from chocs, just staring at the wide selection wld do... x)
alrighty... gotta wake up super early to meet ulynn, crystle and rubin and then off to work....

*It hurts

I've got this feeling that its gonna work this time. Really... Never felt so certain about this issue. Ok, maybe once... and it lasted for 1 month. heh... i consider it an accomplishment. Yes. I get satisfied easily when it comes to things like these.
I'm gonna prove to myself that this shit can be solved. Perhaps being a homie and working have a part to play. The phone's always upstairs and i don't feel the itch to check if there are any messages, every now and then already. Work's keeping me busy, helps to divert my attention to pushing sales and having small talks with the fellow colleagues... pretty good deal i might say.
No doubt this would cross my mind every now and then but i'm beginning to stop dwelling on it. Yep... you could say i've received some form of enlightenment... but don't start congratulating me. yet. it's gonna jinx the whole thing... oh well....

*spit